I See What You're Saying, But...

Earlier this year I was lucky enough to spend a day with Alec Grimsley where we focused on amongst other things, how to run effective meetings.

One thing in particular has stuck with me since that day (it's not the only thing of course)...the effect of using the word "but".

"But", as it turns out is quite a polarising word.

Consider these two sentences....

A: I know we need to change customer behaviour, but I think we should follow this course of action.

B: Mary, I agree with you that we need to change customer behaviour, and I'd like to suggest that we could do it better by following this course of action.

Phrase A is our default, hard-wired way of talking in meetings. When you hear the "B" word, it instantly sounds like the person opposes you. Opposition means you veer towards a defence and/or attack. Immediately tensions can get raised, issues become amplified bigger than they need to be and sides are taken. Polarisation of opinion develops, especially when these two people both use "but" in everything they say - especially when they start sentences with "but".

Phrase B however has very little confrontation. The first part of the sentence suggests common ground/agreement, whilst the second part of the sentence takes the discussion to a new area without creating an aggressive front.

Read through the two examples again and you'll see what I mean.

Now, listen out for the word "but" in your next meeting. I guarantee you will hear it all the time.

Next, just try once in a meeting to avoid using the "but" word and replace it with "and". Almost all "but" sentences can be turned into "and" sentences. Try it and you'll realise just how hard it is to overturn your natural tendencies.

You could also try to use it in your day to email communications, your proposals, your family conversations. It's incredibly powerful.

Every day I try and remove the word from my sentences. I find it difficult and it is never easy. It is quite amazing how it can diffuse a situation that would have otherwise unnecessarily escalated.

Try it - no more but. Just use and. Good luck!